


Did I Make The Most of Loving You?

by meli_fan



Series: Schuffled Love Story [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: F/M, sad as fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-23
Updated: 2013-10-23
Packaged: 2017-12-30 06:43:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1015415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meli_fan/pseuds/meli_fan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Did I give you all my heart could give?<br/>Two unlived lives with lives to live.<br/>When these endless, lonely days are through,<br/>I'll make the most of loving you.</p>
<p>Sequel to "Black"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Did I Make The Most of Loving You?

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a sequel to "Black" but I wanted to do it under the terms of the challenge by PuzzledHats, that is, using a song that came up on schuffle. 
> 
> Sadly, the song that came up was not exactly happy. It's "Did I Make the Most of Loving You?" part of the Downton Abbey Soundtrack (by John Lunn and Mary-Jess Leaverland). It is very fitting for the tragic couples of the show, but not much for the happy reunion of the couple so I wrote that with the next song. With that in mind, it inspired me to write Arya's side of their separation.
> 
> Warning: It's not as angsty as "Black", but it is kinda sad.
> 
> I apologize in advance for any grammar or spelling mistakes

**Did I make the most of loving you?**

**So many things we didn't do.**

 

She dreams of him most of her nights. Thinks about the way they would fight over everything and nothing at once, thinks about the way they used to fit so well together, thinks about how he would come from work tired but still cook with her, thinks about how they always laughed at the same things. She realizes now she never appreciated all the things that made them unique.

 

Back when happiness used to fill her heart, when he used to fill her heart, she laughed a lot. Bran and Rickon tell her sometimes, how she doesn’t smile anymore. It never fails to make her feel stupid. Stupid because she once believed that happiness would last forever, because she was so sure she never even questioned what her life would be without him.

 

Her new life in a new city helps a bit to not make her completely miserable. But even if it weren’t for the heartbreak, it’s still a sad situation. Faced with a new widowing state and with already two children at college, her mother had made the decision to go live with her sister. Arya is a pragmatist and she knows her mother did the right thing when it comes to the finances. They’re already paying for Robb, Sansa and her tuition. Now Bran needs expensive treatments and they ought to give both the little children the education their older siblings had. Living with aunt Lysa is much smarter, it’s cheaper and practical. But it’s sad. Lysa is mentally unstable and since she lost her son so her mother must split herself between taking care of her and Bran, which means Arya usually has to help with Bran as well. And Rickon of course, who is just a boy and deserves attention as well.

 

But Arya feels alone, and she somehow feels worse because even if she didn’t miss Gendry romantically - which she does, so fucking much -  she still misses his company, their easy laughter and long conversations. She misses the promises they made to one another.

 

_“I want to go to Braavos someday, would you come with me?”_

 

_“Sure.”_

 

Her life becomes a routine. Her mother tends to Bran and Rickon in the mornings when she goes to class, thankfully they’re older now and Rickon does just goes to class and goes back alone and he doesn’t need much attention. Bran on the other hand needs to go to therapy and someone who tends him, so her mother must do all that in the morning. When Arya is back, her mother earns some time to rest or take care of Lysa- depending on her aunt condition of the day - while Arya deals with the kids.

 

She remembers her days with Gendry, going back from school to his apartment, cooking something with him, having sex, watch some movie and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Or sometimes getting a restless night while she took advantage of him.

 

Bran becomes her best friend. Her sweet Bran who is trying so hard to become again a self-sufficient person so she doesn’t have to help him. Learning how to use his chair, developing muscles he did not knew he had. His progress becomes their family only joy, and he knows it. After dad,nothing seems to bring a smile to her and their mother’s face except it is Bran.

 

“Arya.”

 

“Hmm?” She’s doing homework for her administration class while he does some exercises for his biceps. “Tell me.”

 

“You’re a great sister.” She smiles at that and looks up, letting him know she appreciates the compliment. “I worry about you too, you know?” He adds, suddenly stopping his exercises and looking at her with his pretty honest eyes.

 

“Don’t.” She answers. “I’m fine now, truly.”

 

He doesn’t buy it, but she’s thankful that he is not pressing more into it. Everyone knows she’s sad. Even her mother, to whom she rarely speaks because of anger and resentment and misery.

 

Arya is sad and lonely, but she can cope with that. The memories could be unbearable, but with a new city, and classes and duties at home she can sometimes ignore her memories. It is the promises that hurt her the most. It is the promises who make her cry sometimes in the dark solitude of her bedroom. How they were going to buy a new TV, how they were planning a trip to a beer festival with the guys, how they were supposed to start cooking lessons together some day.

 

How they were going to go to Braavos together.

 

**Did I give you all my heart could give?**

**Two unlived lives with lives to live.**

 

_“You think when we die, our souls go to some weird ass place where all the souls of our friends are?” She asks him one day after a few bears and philosophical mumbling. He’s much sober than her, so he laughs at her question._

 

_“Dunno. I suppose when we die our soul just finds it’s way back to the ones they loved. Like, we go up farther than the sky and our souls look for the other in there.” He’s smiling and she doesn’t know if he’s teasing her or just going with the flow._

 

_“So what if you don’t find them? Those other souls, the souls of the ones you loved. You stay alone forever?” Suddenly she feels a bit unsure, like that is not a destiny she wants for herself._

 

_“You always find them, you always find the ones you love.”  He’s smiling because it’s cheesy and corny, but he seems to believe his swords._

 

_“So if we get separated in this real life, our souls would find each other anyway?”_

 

_“We’re not gonna get separated, you and I, we’re going to grow old together. And then when we’re not in this world our souls will find each other easily and be together.”_

 

_“Like soulmates?” she nearly snorts the word, but somehow it still feels appropriate for the two of them._

 

_“We’re soulmates.” He confirms._

 

She sets her mind in getting the fuck over him. SHe doesn’t want to forget him, she jsut wants to learn to live a new life without him. She needs to accept that their planned life won’t be happening anytime soon and she should just move on. She knows he must be trying to do the same. Stupid stubborn idiot he is.

 

At least she hopes he is, because if she can barely stands her misery, she can’t stand the idea that he is this miserable and she can’t do anything about it.

 

But it’s hard for her. She makes some new friends, Edric and Beric and Sharna. They’re nice and they share some classes and they invite her to tag along to their things. Still it feels weird. All of Arya’s activities always included Gendry and going bowling or partying without him feels strange and foreign to her.

 

He had been the center of her universe, she realised. And she had not cared one bit. That it’s how their life should have been and now that life won’t be anymore, she feels so lost. It’s like in some point of her life she just stopped being Arya and she became Arya-and-Gendry and now half of her is missing and the piece she got is still trying to find it’s place back again.

 

One day, when they’re in the kitchen silently folding the recently washed clothes, Arya asks her mother, “How do you do it?”

 

“Do what, sweetheart?” Her mother asks kindly.

 

“How do you live with the heartbreak?” Arya ask her. How do you live knowing the promises you made to each other won’t be anymore? How do you live with the memories repeating themselves over and over again in your dreams? How do you live with Dad’s absence when you planned a life with each other?

 

Her mother just looks at her. Catelyn’s blue eyes are beautiful and filled with affection and they remind Arya of his eyes, so she must focus her mind in not crying.

 

“You cry. A lot. And then when you can’t cry anymore, you learn to live again in a completely different world.” She half expected her mother to mock her, to tell her the relationship with Gendry had not been love or serious, or something equally as nasty. But her mother at least seems to respect the fact that Gendry had been important. Her mother seems to know that she broke two youths in love.

 

Her advice seems to make sense, but to Arya it seems impossible. She had grown up with Gendry, she had learned what it was to become a woman with him and what it was to love with all of yourself. She did not want to live in a new world, she wanted the old one back.

 

**When these endless, lonely days are through,**

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

 

She only had a few pictures left of the two of them. Her mother took care of all the other ones she had and still most of their pictures were at his apartment anyways. One was in her wallet and the other was parking a page in a book. She takes the two and saves it in a little box along with a few other tokens of their relationship. Sansa tells her it’s a first step and she believes her sister because she has gone through break-ups before.

 

She keeps them because a part of her, a small tiny silly foolish part of her beleives one day she may get to use them again. Than maybe one day Bran and RIckon will be old enough to take care of themselves and she will earn enough money to pay her way back so they can be together. Of course, the other bigger practical part of her tells her that is years away and that she must learn to live in the now now.

 

So does as her mother tells her. She saves it all in a box and cries during a whole day - and her mother lets her because she knows what she is doing - while holding the stupid box. She cries for all the things they were and all the things they still are in their hearts and for all the things that small tiny silly foolish part of her hopes they will be.

 

 

**Did we make the most of all we had?**

**Not seeing you makes my heart sad.**

 

When Bran learns to move himself around with his chair enough to make even aunt Lysa smile, Arya begins to plan her way of helping herself.

 

She and Sharna joins a stupid yoga class that is a bit silly to Arya but still distracting enough. She takes up a Braavosi class hoping to learn the language. She goes out with the gang a lot.

 

She goes to a date with Edric. She can’t bring herself to call him Ned as everyone else does but he understands. He is nice and funny and he does manage to keep her thoughts away from sad things. It is almost too good to be true.

 

_“Does this count as a first date?” She asks him as she kicks his ass in Mortal Kombat. They had agreed to be a couple a mere week ago, after a short kiss that made them both blush and admit stupid feelings._

 

_“Don’t think so, “ he says as he motions for them to go out. It is getting dark and she has to go home. “We just had ice-cream and played at the arcade, we always do that.”_

 

_She is walking in her tiptoes, using whatever she remembers from her dancing lessons to keep her balance. “Yeah but, if you were to take me to a date, it is supposed to be something that I like and I like this.”_

 

_“You do?” He asks unsure and suddenly walking very close to her. She feels warm at his proximity, like she always does and suddenly she wants to jump him and forget they’re in the sidewalk. “You don’t want anything more fancy?”_

 

_“This is enough, more than enough since I won and that is cool-oh!” she loses her foot and she would have fallen but he caught her easily. All wrapped in his arms, this time she can’t really control her desires and she throws her arms around his neck and kisses him. She had never kissed anybody else so she kinda doesn’t know what she’s doing. SHe can tell he’s kinda lost too, but their bodies seem to know what pace to take, what to lick or what to bite and suddenly she needs air, not only for the lack of oxygen but because even a kiss feels like an explosion in her heart._

 

_They smile at each other after that one. Yes, it was their first date._

 

When she kissed Edric for the first time, it is weird and uncomfortable. He’s good and nice and gentle, and any girl would love every second of it. Arya doesn’t hate it, but it is not what she is used to and that makes her sad. Sad because it was so simple with Gendry, they had a synch, a connection. Even when they were trying new things their bodies knew what to do anyway. She remembers how easily it was to give herself to him, how it felt like she belonged there with him buried in her and loving her so truthfully and passionately.

 

She sort of wishes they had done more of that. Not that they didn’t do it often back then because they did, a lot, really. But now it seems like it wasn’t enough. Like nothing was enough. She feels like they should have gone out more, they should have laughed more, they should have fought more, they should have wrestled more, they should have danced more, they should have kissed more, they should have been with each other more. Because no matter how much she tries there is nothing like it anymore. Nothing fills her with joy so much. Nothing feels nearly as blissful, nearly as whole as they did.

 

Now everything feels dull. She can laugh sometimes and feels some pleasure with Edric, but nothing ever compares to what Gendry made her feel and she knows with a sad certainty nothing will.

 

**Did we make the most of summer days?**

**We still have time to change our ways.**

 

She does not realize how fast time passes. No matter how good he gets, Bran still need help for some things and Rickon will still be a boy for a couple of years and aunt Lysa only gets worse so mother has to care for her more and more. Arya dates Edric because it is easy and uncomplicated and distracting and sometimes fun, but she never makes promises or long term plans with him. She had those one, with someone else and they’re gone now.

 

Edric becomes a good companion and Arya was honest with him from the beginning of their relationship. She had told him all about Gendry back when they first met and she likes to believe that, like her mother, he respect the fact that the relationship was important. She is lucky, many people consider first loves to be a minimal thing, but all her friends and family are much more emphatic than she expected.

 

Then again, in her eyes Gendry was not her first love, he was the only love of her life.

 

_“You should explain to me how cars work.”_

 

_“Why?” he asked with his mouth fool. SHe made a disgusted face but he only opened his mouth wider._

 

_“Stop that! I’m serious you idiot.” He swallows then and she goes to grabs some of his fries. He swats her hand away._

 

_“Order your own fries.”_

 

_“I did, and now they’re gone and I want just some more, c’mon, don’t be a selfish bastard.” He lets her take some because that’s how he is. He likes to put up a fight but in the end he always lets her do anything. She loves the fact that he at least attempts to put a fight._

 

_“Why do you need to learn about cars? It’s not like you’re gonna be a mechanic anyways.”_

 

_“Well, no, but I should know in case someday I am in the middle of the road and my car dies and I need to fix it.” He seems a bit shocked with her answer and his eyebrow furrow._

 

_“But you would have me, you call me and there’s no need for you to get your hands dirty.”_

 

_“My hands always get dirty anyway. My mother and the washing machine can confirm that one for you.”_

 

_“Not my point” he says. He takes her hand then and adds,“You will never need to know. I will always fix your car, you won’t need to learn ‘cause I’ll be there,” It’s sweet and so she smiles at him although she’s not convinced yet. She’s sure she should know something about cars, be prepared in case her car dies on her someday._

 

_“Thanks.” There is something suspicious about the smile he’s giving her._

 

_“Besides, you’re a girl. Your mind is not made to understand cars.”_

 

_How dare he, he knew that would just rile her up. SHe lets out an indignant shriek before starting her rant. “Oh is that so?! Let me tell you something...”_

 

Back when they had been together sometimes she chastised herself for always fighting him, especially when she saw how lovely her mother was to her father. But Gendry loved when she ranted and screamed and laughed at him. Edric did not mind she did that, he thought it was part of her  - and it is -  but Gendry loved it. He loved it so much he started arguments on purpose.

 

She had not changed for Gendry, and he had not changed for her either. The thought made her smile. Sansa had changed much back when she dated Joffrey or when she went out with Sandor. Gendry and her however, were always truthful to each other. That is perhaps one of the things that she misses the most about their relationship. Edric is nice, but they have just met each other and she finds it so difficult to open herself to him. They can talk about many things, but it is so hard to admit all her insecurities and all her dreams.

 

Sansa tells her that is the normal way when it comes to new relationships where people just meet each other. But once again she reminds herself she doesn’t want the normal way, she wants the Arya-and-Gendry way.

 

**When these endless, lonely days are through,**

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

 

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

 

 

_“Are you being so careless on purpose? I already fucking told you that I don’t like it when you leave the wet clothes on the floor!” he admonished while attempting to look threatening._

 

_“Damn you, you’re worse than my own mother, and she’s so anal she’s nearly queer!” She is not at all intimidated by his anger, and smiles as she obnoxiously ignores the wet towel she just threw on the floor and walks around in all her naked glory attempting to get his attention._

 

_“That is not-” he’s failing to remain serious and barks out a laugh as she smiles and search for her pajamas. She  can always make him laugh and it never fails to make her feel proud. “You can’t be more disrespectful.” He walks towards her. She’s not exactly sexy in sweatpants and a tee shirt two sizes too big for her and mittens, but he’s looking at her like she’s the most adorable thing in the world._

 

_His arms come around her and she easily accepts his embrace. Trailing soft kisses from her neck to her ear, she shivers with anticipation. His own hands start to travel down to the hem of her shirt. And then of course, she says something he does not quite understand and his mood is broken._

 

_“I’m so fucking hungry.” He groans and pull her tighter before letting her go and turning around to where her towel is still wetting his ugly carpeted floor. He did not get at all that she’s hungry for him. Well, better tease him more then. “You could go make me a sandwich.”_

 

_He snorts at that one. “Yeah, you want me to bake you some Pie too?” he asks as he picks up her towel while she just jumps in the bed and smiles at him._

 

_“Nah, I’ll just ask Hot Pie for one of those. What about that sandwich?” He’s turning around as she gets rid of the clothes that cover her. He smirks at her and comes closer. Gendry gets on the bed and pushes her down, easily lying her between him and the mattress, covering her with his warm body._

 

_“Is this the sandwich you wanted?” he asks as his hands travel her body electrifying her completely._

 

_“Yes you dumb idiot.” She kisses him them, and then they were joined and nothing else seemed to matter._

 

Time passes easily after some time. She keeps on dating Edric because he’s fun and makes her laugh and sometimes he gets it when she gets sad, they become nearly as close as best friends. Bran slowly but surely gets better everyday and she enjoys seeing Rickon growing up. Robb and Sansa visit every once in awhile and it almost feels like home again.

 

Almost. She tells herself it’s because of her dad or Jon.

 

The truth is that the last time she felt at home was in Gendry’s arms.

 

She begins to save money. At first, she doesn’t know why. But when Jon asks her about it a day, the answer escapes her mouth without her thinking beforehand.

 

“I’m saving it so I can go to Braavos some day.”

 

**Did those tender words stay in my head?**

**So many things were left unsaid.**

 

Aunt Lysa passes away when she’s a sophomore in college. Her mother is sad, but there seems to be a peace around her too. Arya guesses is a mix of things, first the relieve of not having to worry of someone as difficult as her aunt Lysa, and then probably the consolation than now Lysa is at peace with her son.

 

“I only remember little of Sweetrobin.” she admits to her mother one day when Catelyn is cooking while Arya does some homework for her finances class. “They only visited once before.”

 

“Lysa was very over protective of Sweetrobin, she said it to me on her last days, that she wished she had gone out with him more.” Catelyn answers. Arya only nods at that one, and it doesn’t surprise her. Little Robert was a sickly child, and after taking such a care of Bran and Rickon  along with her mom, Arya understands what worry is. It’s paranoid and a bit all-consuming, but also unavoidable.

 

“Aren’t all mothers over protective?”  She jokes as she does her sums.

 

“Of course we are, even if sometimes it makes us do stupid things,” Arya looks up then and finds her mother staring at her. “Or unintentionally hurt our children.”

 

Arya gulps down. This is her mother’s apology, she knows. The past two years Arya has realised she is a lot like her mother, much more than she used to think. THeir personalities are so alike, it’s no wonder they used to clash so much before.

 

“And…” her voice trembles and Arya tries not to think of that day, that day when her mother drove her crying to Gendry’s flat to take out all her stuff so they could go. “Do mothers regret it sometimes?”

 

“Yes,” her mom said and she had tears in her eyes. “Many times. Especially because we do it with the best intentions but only drive our children away. We regret it nearly much as we regret having to give our children responsibilities they shouldn’t have.”

 

Arya has never blamed her mother for needing her extra help with Bran and Rickon. Has never her mother for the fact that she has to work every weekend because money’s tight. She has blamed her for only one thing in her life, and once she hated her for it.

 

But she has grown and she has learned to be forgiving and much more sensitive. And she forgives her mother. The realization hits her hard, and she can’t help the tears that fall. Catelyn goes to sit next to her and hugs her, crying as well.

 

“Everything mother’s do, we do it out of love and you know how stupid love can make us.”

 

“Of course I know, had you not heard Sansa talkin bout Willas?”

 

Her mother gives her a chastising look, but laughs along with her.

 

**Did I give you all my heart could give?**

**Two unlived lives with lives to live.**

 

They move again. Robb gets a good job and Sansa graduates so they all move to where Robb is living. They have the money aunt Lysa left them and it’s enough for some time. Arya has to transfer yet again and it’s a bitch considering it’s probably going to be her last year of college, but she does not mind much. Edric is sad, but he has family there and he says he can visit sometimes, even if they agree they should break up to not make things complicated, there is a true friendship between them she does not want to lose.

 

Sansa’s return to the family and Robb engagement makes them all so happy for some time, Arya forgets about being sad and enjoys her family much more than she did in her teenage years when she was busy fighting everyone. Trips to the beach and going to all of Rickson's school productions become part of their family activities and Jon manages to join them in some of them. Some time passes and she graduates and begins to work as a financial advisor in a good company, Robb marries Jeyne and Sansa gets engaged with Willas. They’re good, they’re so good.

 

She thinks about Gendry a lot then, wondering how he’s doing, if he has found someone else, if he thinks about her at nights the way she thinks of him. She thinks about his blue eyes, his muscled arms around her when they hugged, his laugh when they joked together, his kisses as he tried to get his hands underneath her shirt and the horrible meals they cooked together. She misses him even after a few years have passed she still misses him.

 

On a beautiful saturday afternoon, Robb and Jeyne get involved in a car accident. They both die within minutes.

 

She loses another part of herself that day. Bran and Rickon and her sleep in the same bed the first few days, holding each other as they try to keep it together. Robb, big and strong Robb who was supposed to start his own family and be happy. Robb and Jeyne who were so in love it was sickening.

 

Arya weeps loudly, but not as much as her mother, who seems to enter a perpetual zombie state after two days of endless tears. Sansa and her try to take care of their mother, but it’s hard enough to take care of themselves. Jon goes to the house and helps them with the boys and even Edric visits her and manages to make her smile just some, and although she feels protected and taken care of, she knows she is not getting what she needs and neither is her mother.

 

Catelyn needs Ned, but no one will bring him back to her, and it’s them, her children, who will have to figure out how to make her better.

 

Arya needs Gendry, and she knows she can’t have him now. Not miles away and uncommunicated. It makes her angry, and she doesn’t know if it’s just that or also her way of dealing with Robb’s death. She feels like she doesn’t know anything, really.

 

All she knows and then the family can stand again on it’s own, she will run away from it all. From the pain and the need and the heartbreak. She will go to Braavos, and hope to all the gods that there she will find her peace.

 

**When these endless, lonely days are through,**

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

 

 

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

**I'll make the most of loving you.**

 

_“You always find them, you always find the ones you love.”  He’s smiling because it’s cheesy and corny, but he seems to believe his swords._

 

_“So if we get separated in this real life, our souls would find each other anyway?”_

 

_“We’re not gonna get separated, you and I, we’re going to grow old together. And then when we’re not in this world our souls will find each other easily and be together.”_

 

_“Like soulmates?” she nearly snorts the word, but somehow it still feels appropriate for the two of them._

 

_“We’re soulmates.” He confirms._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry and I love you and your kudos and your reviews and I swear to you I'm writing that sequel.


End file.
